第一次写额 给点意见吧
题目：Putting criminals into prison is not so effective in dealing the problem.Education and job training should be offered to them.
With the development of contemporary society,a series of criminal problems have become controversial problems.One of the most debatable issues is whether criminals should accept education and job traning.Then I will give my opinion in this essay.
From my point of view,the crime rate can partly attribute to lack of education and poverty.Therefore,the method of offering education and job training to culprits not only can render an opportunity to rehabilitate themselves ,and can alleviate their criminal tendency, but also can help them to get work experience in case that they will revert to crime after being released.While treating hardened criminals,we should be more stringent ,and must join hands with law enforcement agencies to crack down the criminal acts since the problems have both influence on the state and on the individuals.
By comparison,we can find that imprisoning criminals is not the best way to punish them,which will only traumatise them,and will make them hold a grudge against society.Obviously,this situation is negative,and the incidence of crime will not decrease.
In conclusion,if we want to transform this negative situation,we should offer education and job training to criminals instead of only punishing them.(给点意见再说下分数吧 )
contemporary society，这种说法我是从来没在英国的任何刊物或网站上见过，在中国人写的人雅斯文章上倒是见了一大堆，一般都是modern society
a series of，感觉多余，去掉
have become controversial problems，controversial在这里不合适，意思不清楚，去掉或者换一个词
debatable issues，在这里用controversial换掉debatable倒是比较合适
whether criminals should accept education and job traning，这里不能用accept，感觉像是罪犯可以选择是否接受教育而不是我们选择是否给予他们教育，换成should be offered
Then I will give，去掉Then
the crime rate，去掉the
can alleviate，去掉can
While treating hardened criminals，把while换成meanwhile，把hardened换成habitual
will only traumatise，换成现在时
整体来说5到5.5分吧，篇幅还是偏短。
第一段，dealing with the problem. Offering Education and job training to them should be the right way to solve the issue.
第二段， contemporary很生硬，换today's, dealing with criminals has become a controversial issue. 你的那句很怪，老外会看不动你什么意思。 One of the most debatable issues is whether criminals should be given education and job training.不要用should accept，这里主要是政府要不要给他们。 "then i will give my opinion in this essay" 千万别用这种句子，太生硬了，这样说“and below is my opinion" 或者干脆省去。
第三段， partly 改成partially, 下一句也是有点乱，捋一捋会比较好。不要说the method of，换成 Offering education and job training就行了，这是英语的习惯。to culprits改成to convicts. render这里有点多余，改成not only can fascilitate them in rehabilitation, but also这里要用not only, but also句型， 下半句没太看懂你想表达什么，建议你理清思路。 While treating repeating convicts你应该是想说重复犯罪分子吧？没有hardened criminals这个用法。 law enforcement agencies建议改成departments， crack down 这里用此很准确，这句写得也不错。
第四段，by comparing the two ways of dealing with criminals,不要comparison，这个很生硬，不适英语用法。which will only taumatise them改成as it will only traumatise them, “make them hold a grudge against society"改成 develop a sense of hatred against the society"这个比较顺畅。 最后一句也是有点问题， obviously, this situation is not beneficial to the society, and the rate of crime will not decrease.
最后一段， if we want to do something to this situation(建议你写出来什么situation,让不会让人迷糊，应该是犯罪率高的问题吧）， 下半句ok。
总体来说，还需要多多练习，有些地方略显生硬，而且建议有些又难度的词不要随便安在句子里面，要查好字典，确定是这么用在放。
还是不错的，加油把~ 打分就算了，我就是给你提点意见~本回答被提问者采纳
