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25 WAYS TO TALK SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL LISTEN
25种孩子们可以接受的谈话方式
A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children. The way you talk to your child teaches him how to talk to others. Here are some talking tips we have learned with our children:
1. Connect before you direct
在指导前首先让他们注意你。
Before giving your child directions, squat to your child's eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention. Teach him how to focus: "Mary, I need your eyes." "Billy, I need your ears." Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives it as controlling rather than connecting.
2. Address the child
Open your request with the child's name, "Lauren, will you please..."
先叫他们的名字，然后再开始说。
3. Stay brief
话要说得简短。
We use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a very common mistake when dialoging about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you're not quite sure what it is you want to say. If she can keep you talking she can get you sidetracked.
4. Stay simple
话要说得明白。
Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.
5. Ask your child to repeat the request back to you
If he can't, it's too long or too complicated.
说完后要他们复述一下。
6. Make an offer the child can't refuse
要用孩子们无法抗拒的东西来引诱他们
You can reason with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. "Get dressed so you can go outside and play." Offer a reason for your request that is to the child's advantage, and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move out of her power position and do what you want her to do.
7. Be positive
不要说“你别...”、“你不允许...”，而是直接说“我们要....”
Instead of "no running," try: "Inside we walk, outside you may run."
8. Begin your directives with "I want."
用“我要你...”的句式开头
Instead of "Get down," say "I want you to get down." Instead of "Let Becky have a turn," say "I want you to let Becky have a turn now." This works well with children who want to please but don't like being ordered. By saying "I want," you give a reason for compliance rather than just an order.
9. "When...then."
用这个句式：“当...时，我们就...”
"When you get your teeth brushed, then we'll begin the story." "When your work is finished, then you can watch TV." "When," which implies that you expect obedience, works better than "if," which suggests that the child has a choice when you don't mean to give him one.
10. Legs first, mouth second
先和他们一起做他们正在做的事，过一会，再命令他们做另一些事。
Instead of hollering, "Turn off the TV, it's time for dinner!" walk into the room where your child is watching TV, join in with your child's interests for a few minutes, and then, during a commercial break, have your child turn off the TV. Going to your child conveys you're serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this as a mere preference.
11. Give choices
给他们一些选择的余地。
"Do you want to put your pajamas on or brush your teeth first?" "Red shirt or blue one?"
12. Speak developmentally correctly
要正确地使用儿童用语来说。
The younger the child, the shorter and simpler your directives should be. Consider your child's level of understanding. For example, a common error parents make is asking a three-year- old, "Why did you do that?" Most adults can't always answer that question about their behavior. Try instead, "Let's talk about what you did."
13. Speak socially correctly
要恰当地用些礼貌用语
Even a two-year-old can learn "please." Expect your child to be polite. Children shouldn't feel manners are optional. Speak to your children the way you want them to speak to you.
14. Speak psychologically correctly
注意你的话对孩子心理上产生的影响。
Threats and judgmental openers are likely to put the child on the defensive. "You" messages make a child clam up. "I" messages are non-accusing. Instead of "You'd better do this..." or "You must...," try "I would like...." or "I am so pleased when you..." Instead of "You need to clear the table," say "I need you to clear the table." Don't ask a leading question when a negative answer is not an option. "Will you please pick up your coat?" Just say, "Pick up your coat, please."
15. Write it
写下来
Reminders can evolve into nagging so easily, especially for preteens who feel being told things puts them in the slave category. Without saying a word you can communicate anything you need said. Talk with a pad and pencil. Leave humorous notes for your child. Then sit back and watch it happen.
16. Talk the child down
用自由讨论式谈话
The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child ventilate while you interject timely comments: "I understand" or "Can I help?" Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums to deal with. Be the adult for him.
17. Settle the listener
边说(或者只是聆听)边让孩子平静下来。
Before giving your directive, restore emotional equilibrium, otherwise you are wasting your time. Nothing sinks in when a child is an emotional wreck.
18. Replay your message
关键的地方，要重复地说。
Toddlers need to be told a thousand times. Children under two have difficulty internalizing your directives. Most three- year-olds begin to internalize directives so that what you ask begins to sink in. Do less and less repeating as your child gets older. Preteens regard repetition as nagging.
19. Let your child complete the thought
要给孩子时间，让孩子自己想清楚你想说什么
Instead of "Don't leave your mess piled up," try: "Matthew, think of where you want to store your soccer stuff." Letting the child fill in the blanks is more likely to create a lasting lesson.
20. Use rhyme rules.
最好还要说得押韵，像儿歌一样
"If you hit, you must sit." Get your child to repeat them.
21. Give likable alternatives
给出两个类似的方案，让孩子可以选择。
You can't go by yourself to the park; but you can play in the neighbor's yard.
22. Give advance notice
事情尽可能提前说一下，让孩子们有准备。
"We are leaving soon. Say bye-bye to the toys, bye-bye to the girls�"
23. Open up a closed child
说一些孩子们感兴趣的话题。
Carefully chosen phrases open up closed little minds and mouths. Stick to topics that you know your child gets excited about. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no. Stick to specifics. Instead of "Did you have a good day at school today?" try "What is the most fun thing you did today?"
24. Use "When you ... I feel... because...?"
用这个句式：“当你...时，我感到...，因为...”
When you run away from mommy in the store I feel worried because you might get lost.
25. Close the discussion
结束谈话时，要有个明确的标志，像结束祷告时说个“阿门”一样。
If a matter is really closed to discussion, say so. "I'm not changing my mind about this. Sorry." You'll save wear and tear on both you and your child. Reserve your "I mean business" tone of voice for when you do.
25种孩子们可以接受的谈话方式
A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children. The way you talk to your child teaches him how to talk to others. Here are some talking tips we have learned with our children:
1. Connect before you direct
在指导前首先让他们注意你。
Before giving your child directions, squat to your child's eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention. Teach him how to focus: "Mary, I need your eyes." "Billy, I need your ears." Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives it as controlling rather than connecting.
2. Address the child
Open your request with the child's name, "Lauren, will you please..."
先叫他们的名字，然后再开始说。
3. Stay brief
话要说得简短。
We use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a very common mistake when dialoging about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you're not quite sure what it is you want to say. If she can keep you talking she can get you sidetracked.
4. Stay simple
话要说得明白。
Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.
5. Ask your child to repeat the request back to you
If he can't, it's too long or too complicated.
说完后要他们复述一下。
6. Make an offer the child can't refuse
要用孩子们无法抗拒的东西来引诱他们
You can reason with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. "Get dressed so you can go outside and play." Offer a reason for your request that is to the child's advantage, and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move out of her power position and do what you want her to do.
7. Be positive
不要说“你别...”、“你不允许...”，而是直接说“我们要....”
Instead of "no running," try: "Inside we walk, outside you may run."
8. Begin your directives with "I want."
用“我要你...”的句式开头
Instead of "Get down," say "I want you to get down." Instead of "Let Becky have a turn," say "I want you to let Becky have a turn now." This works well with children who want to please but don't like being ordered. By saying "I want," you give a reason for compliance rather than just an order.
9. "When...then."
用这个句式：“当...时，我们就...”
"When you get your teeth brushed, then we'll begin the story." "When your work is finished, then you can watch TV." "When," which implies that you expect obedience, works better than "if," which suggests that the child has a choice when you don't mean to give him one.
10. Legs first, mouth second
先和他们一起做他们正在做的事，过一会，再命令他们做另一些事。
Instead of hollering, "Turn off the TV, it's time for dinner!" walk into the room where your child is watching TV, join in with your child's interests for a few minutes, and then, during a commercial break, have your child turn off the TV. Going to your child conveys you're serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this as a mere preference.
11. Give choices
给他们一些选择的余地。
"Do you want to put your pajamas on or brush your teeth first?" "Red shirt or blue one?"
12. Speak developmentally correctly
要正确地使用儿童用语来说。
The younger the child, the shorter and simpler your directives should be. Consider your child's level of understanding. For example, a common error parents make is asking a three-year- old, "Why did you do that?" Most adults can't always answer that question about their behavior. Try instead, "Let's talk about what you did."
13. Speak socially correctly
要恰当地用些礼貌用语
Even a two-year-old can learn "please." Expect your child to be polite. Children shouldn't feel manners are optional. Speak to your children the way you want them to speak to you.
14. Speak psychologically correctly
注意你的话对孩子心理上产生的影响。
Threats and judgmental openers are likely to put the child on the defensive. "You" messages make a child clam up. "I" messages are non-accusing. Instead of "You'd better do this..." or "You must...," try "I would like...." or "I am so pleased when you..." Instead of "You need to clear the table," say "I need you to clear the table." Don't ask a leading question when a negative answer is not an option. "Will you please pick up your coat?" Just say, "Pick up your coat, please."
15. Write it
写下来
Reminders can evolve into nagging so easily, especially for preteens who feel being told things puts them in the slave category. Without saying a word you can communicate anything you need said. Talk with a pad and pencil. Leave humorous notes for your child. Then sit back and watch it happen.
16. Talk the child down
用自由讨论式谈话
The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child ventilate while you interject timely comments: "I understand" or "Can I help?" Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums to deal with. Be the adult for him.
17. Settle the listener
边说(或者只是聆听)边让孩子平静下来。
Before giving your directive, restore emotional equilibrium, otherwise you are wasting your time. Nothing sinks in when a child is an emotional wreck.
18. Replay your message
关键的地方，要重复地说。
Toddlers need to be told a thousand times. Children under two have difficulty internalizing your directives. Most three- year-olds begin to internalize directives so that what you ask begins to sink in. Do less and less repeating as your child gets older. Preteens regard repetition as nagging.
19. Let your child complete the thought
要给孩子时间，让孩子自己想清楚你想说什么
Instead of "Don't leave your mess piled up," try: "Matthew, think of where you want to store your soccer stuff." Letting the child fill in the blanks is more likely to create a lasting lesson.
20. Use rhyme rules.
最好还要说得押韵，像儿歌一样
"If you hit, you must sit." Get your child to repeat them.
21. Give likable alternatives
给出两个类似的方案，让孩子可以选择。
You can't go by yourself to the park; but you can play in the neighbor's yard.
22. Give advance notice
事情尽可能提前说一下，让孩子们有准备。
"We are leaving soon. Say bye-bye to the toys, bye-bye to the girls�"
23. Open up a closed child
说一些孩子们感兴趣的话题。
Carefully chosen phrases open up closed little minds and mouths. Stick to topics that you know your child gets excited about. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no. Stick to specifics. Instead of "Did you have a good day at school today?" try "What is the most fun thing you did today?"
24. Use "When you ... I feel... because...?"
用这个句式：“当你...时，我感到...，因为...”
When you run away from mommy in the store I feel worried because you might get lost.
25. Close the discussion
结束谈话时，要有个明确的标志，像结束祷告时说个“阿门”一样。
If a matter is really closed to discussion, say so. "I'm not changing my mind about this. Sorry." You'll save wear and tear on both you and your child. Reserve your "I mean business" tone of voice for when you do.
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