最近写了一首诗,有很多不足,请高手们尽情批判吧! 还有语法错误,请各位高人指出吧!
A beautiful mistake of meeting her
was made in the morning
when the sun rose with silver ray lonely
A beautiful mistake of loving her
happened in the afternoon
when roses and tulips were booming warmly
A beautiful mistake of leaving her
was deepened in the night
when cold wind blew strongly
写的不错! 如果刚开始写,这个已经真的相当好了。我来简单分析一下:
1.你运用了诗歌中一个很普遍的技巧: enjambment,即跨行连续
通俗讲叫leg. 就是前面一行没有句法上的结束,而是延续到后面一行,或几行。
2. 你运用了repetition. 重复a beautiful mistake起到加强语气效果,而你同时没有把整个一行都重复,又使诗歌活泼了许多, well done! 除此以外还有其他地方的重复。
3. 押韵结构上 采取 abc, adc, aec 的pattern, 很整齐!
我来修改一下,供你参考,一般情况下,我不主张修改诗歌,因为诗歌创作是纯粹的personal 的。所以之个别地方动一下。
A beautiful mistake of meeting her
Was made in the morning
When the dew with silver ray only
A beautiful mistake of loving her
Occured in the afternoon
When roses and tulips booming warmly
A beautiful mistake of leaving her
Deepened in the cold night
When piercing wind blew strongly
1.你运用了诗歌中一个很普遍的技巧: enjambment,即跨行连续
通俗讲叫leg. 就是前面一行没有句法上的结束,而是延续到后面一行,或几行。
2. 你运用了repetition. 重复a beautiful mistake起到加强语气效果,而你同时没有把整个一行都重复,又使诗歌活泼了许多, well done! 除此以外还有其他地方的重复。
3. 押韵结构上 采取 abc, adc, aec 的pattern, 很整齐!
我来修改一下,供你参考,一般情况下,我不主张修改诗歌,因为诗歌创作是纯粹的personal 的。所以之个别地方动一下。
A beautiful mistake of meeting her
Was made in the morning
When the dew with silver ray only
A beautiful mistake of loving her
Occured in the afternoon
When roses and tulips booming warmly
A beautiful mistake of leaving her
Deepened in the cold night
When piercing wind blew strongly
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第1个回答 2008-06-08
真厉害````我都看不懂 狠人真多
第2个回答 2008-06-08
那个her很幸福的说。
第3个回答 2008-06-08
厉害~~
A beautiful mistake of meeting her
made in the morning
when the sun rose with silver ray lonely
A beautiful mistake of loving her
happened in the afternoon
when roses and tulips were booming warmly
A beautiful mistake of leaving her
deepened in the night
when cold wind blew strongly
稍微改了一下~~使三段更加协调一点~~真不错!!!很佩服的说!!
A beautiful mistake of meeting her
made in the morning
when the sun rose with silver ray lonely
A beautiful mistake of loving her
happened in the afternoon
when roses and tulips were booming warmly
A beautiful mistake of leaving her
deepened in the night
when cold wind blew strongly
稍微改了一下~~使三段更加协调一点~~真不错!!!很佩服的说!!